Sneak peek: Parenting strong-willed youngsters comes with its personal distinctive set of challenges. By specializing in youngsters’s strengths and having an eye fixed towards the long run, you’ll be able to start to really feel extra assured.

“It’s not a bug, it’s a characteristic.” In case you learn the earlier article on this two-part collection, you recognize that this quote has grow to be my new motto for understanding and parenting strong-willed youngsters. As we mentioned within the final article, this quote originated from software program programmers years in the past who, upon discovering an surprising habits of their software program, would exclaim, “it’s not a bug, it’s a characteristic.”

This quote, though midway comical, instantly made me consider youngsters, particularly strong-willed youngsters. In our tradition, strong-willed youngsters are sometimes seen as a “bug” to be fastened or a glitch on this planet of human habits. In distinction, I’ve come to see strong-willed youngsters (and far analysis backs this up) as uniquely geared up to face the world another way. Sure, their strong-willed nature may be difficult for fogeys (to say the least!) nevertheless it may also be a present in case you be taught to see it in a brand new means.

Robust-willed youngsters may be extraordinarily persistent, liable to non-compliance and prone to expertise massive feelings (in generally not-so-pleasant methods). Nevertheless, they’re additionally typically fearless leaders, assured, sturdy mates and fast to treatment injustice. We’d like these presents in our world immediately and sooner or later. With cautious steering and agency boundaries (sure optimistic parenting contains boundaries!), strong-willed youngsters have the potential to be those that lead confidently sooner or later and assist treatment a few of our largest social challenges.

To get them to that time, we have to strategy parenting strong-willed youngsters with an eye fixed towards their strengths as a substitute of simply specializing in the challenges. One solution to begin is by dispelling a number of myths about strong-willed youngsters.

Associated studying: Widespread (however Unhelpful) Myths About Robust-Willed Kids

Extra Myths About Robust-Willed Kids

Delusion #1 They’re deliberately being troublesome or pushing your buttons

That is in all probability the commonest fantasy I hear about parenting a strong-willed little one. Whereas, after all, there could also be moments when strong-willed youngsters do one thing to deliberately push dad and mom’ buttons, total this isn’t the case. A lot of their habits is just a mirrored image of their temperament; they aren’t making an attempt to be troublesome.

Robust-willed youngsters typically have very sturdy emotions about…nicely, every little thing. In that context, it’s simple to see why they typically battle with dad and mom. They’ve sturdy emotions about any alternative that’s being made for them–clothes, actions, college, mates, and so forth. Youngsters with a strong-willed temperament additionally often have a robust sense of justice–they need issues to be honest; not only for them however for others as nicely. This typically sparks battle with others or with dad and mom as a result of, let’s face it, life isn’t all the time simply or honest.

Lastly, strong-willed youngsters typically come wired with some very intense feelings. In any given scenario, they’re prone to react with a lot larger depth than different youngsters. This isn’t often them making an attempt to be troublesome; they’re simply wired in another way. They really feel issues extra intensely; their reactions are extra dramatic.

Tips on how to deal with a strong-willed little one:

• Concentrate on their strengths. Seeing these temperamental traits as strengths, fairly than annoyances, can go a great distance towards parenting strong-willed youngsters with a bit extra grace and persistence. Search for the upside of any trait or habits sample you discover troublesome. It may be arduous to seek out at occasions however preserve wanting, I wager you’ll see it.
• Concentrate on how this temperament will assist them later. In the future as my son was persistently asking me (once more) to do one thing he wished to do, it hit me. This degree of persistence is usually a actual asset sooner or later! When he’s a teen and his mates are pressuring him to do one thing less-than-stellar (e.g., driving quick, consuming, and so forth.), this persistent nature can actually assist him. He has the persistent nature to withstand these pressures time and again. The important thing for fogeys is to assist our strong-willed youngsters use these traits in a optimistic means. As I all the time inform my son, “use your powers for good, not dangerous!” I say it midway jokingly, however I feel there’s some fact right here in not making an attempt to crush our kids’s spirits, however as a substitute guiding them to make use of their distinctive traits in helpful methods. 
• Channel their spirit into one thing they’re keen about (e.g., a trigger, sports activities, actions, serving to others, and so forth.). Most strong-willed youngsters have massive passions. It would take them some time to find them, however as soon as they do, be careful! Robust-willed, persistent, spirited youngsters have the traits wanted to pursue a ardour with fervor and willpower. Encourage your little one to discover totally different actions or hobbies that they discover attention-grabbing. Who is aware of what magic would possibly occur after they discover their ardour?

Delusion #2 Robust-willed youngsters will all the time be “troublesome”

When you’re within the trenches of parenting a strong-willed little one, you are feeling as if day-after-day will all the time be a battle (imagine me I do know!). When our kids are little, there are such a lot of potential alternatives for battle through the day–placing on sneakers, brushing enamel, getting dressed, and so forth. With strong-willed youngsters, every of those duties could possibly be a possible emotional outburst or conflict-ridden showdown. It looks like these day by day battles might go on endlessly.

Then, one thing occurs. Our youngsters mature and be taught a bit extra self-control. As a mother to a strong-willed 12-year-old, I can let you know that maturity actually issues. As our strong-willed youngsters mature and acquire extra emotional coping expertise, often the day by day battles grow to be much less frequent. The everyday routine actions are actually taken without any consideration. Certain, we would nonetheless expertise our strong-willed little one’s persistent refusal often however maturity does assist these youngsters lots. After all, I haven’t hit the teenager years but, so issues might nonetheless change, however total, I really feel that in case you actually prioritize your relationship together with your strong-willed little one and attempt to keep away from many energy struggles, the bond you type will win out in the long run.

Tips on how to deal with a strong-willed little one:

• Concentrate on serving to them see the WHY. Serving to youngsters (particularly strong-willed youngsters) perceive why guidelines and bounds exist is essential. That is SO key to parenting strong-willed youngsters and actually comes into play as they mature. Robust-willed youngsters have a eager sense of justice so if they’ll see (for themselves) why a sure rule or boundary exists, they’re much extra prone to associate with it. The previous adage of encouraging youngsters to do one thing “as a result of I stated so” won’t work with these youngsters who’ve a strong-willed temperament. 
• Focus a variety of emotional skill-building. Studying how to deal with massive feelings is a large asset for all youngsters, however particularly these with a strong-willed temperament. These youngsters have BIG emotions. Whether or not it’s pleasure, unhappiness, anger or frustration, strong-willed youngsters expertise all of them with a bit added “taste” that different youngsters could not expertise. As dad and mom, we may also help them immensely by fostering their expertise in dealing with these massive feelings. As an alternative of punishing emotional outbursts, we will deal with constructing their calming expertise via instructing respiration expertise, and sensory gadgets that calm, selling train for coping and modeling calm in our personal emotional moments. 

Parenting strong-willed youngsters brings its personal challenges, however by specializing in our kids’s strengths and being open to studying about ourselves (that’s enormous), we will increase strong-willed youngsters who be taught to make use of their presents on this planet. By prioritizing our relationship with them and never specializing in methods to “repair” them we may also help them blossom into superb adults.

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